Sometimes I feel like you don't really change, no matter how bad you feel. I hate how I can't understand you, & you can't seem to understand many parts of me. I guess, I`m the one that promised you that I would get use to it .. but how much more can I take ? I always feel like I will collapse someday . . or blow-up on you . I don't want to think of it, but really I'm slowly falling apart. I know its such a small matter , & I shouldn't be making such a big deal about it .. but I feel like I have to do everything sometimes just to get your attention. It isn't simple you know . I just wish that maybe for a change you're the one that will give all your attention to me. I know it seems so much to ask .. but I barely see you, & once in awhile .. even once I want you to look at me. Maybe I`ll be happy then. I thought I'd be ok being with you , but I really hate feeling like this. I'm so needy of you, I really am . Avoiding you .. just doesn't work , & you don't even know how much I've tried .. tried to get use to how you are. Sorry .. if someday I . . .
Labels: change, confuse, imissyou
Today was like any other day for me. The only thing different ? FEELINGS. Yep. I suddenly felt an overwhelming feeling of ... well , jealousy today. I hate this feeling. You can guess what type of jealousy I must be feeling. Like any normal teenager who has a boyfriend. DING . I guess preventing myself from talking to him ( just because I've been staying up too long ) , is what's causing it. I'd rather not bother him with every single little thing. Especially stupid things like this.
Truth is though, no matter how jealous I get, I'll actually never admit that I am. REASON? I just don't want to. Plus I don't want to well .. look so clingy. Holding it inside me, ( I think ) avoids further embarassement and a possible change in that person's thought of you. I feel posessive once I get this feeling, and I hate it so much. Yeah, most people tell me that "jealousy is healthy in a relationship" .. but as a catholic, I prefer that excerpt from the bible , "love is not jealous .. " it makes sense. But I've always wondered .. can you really avoid being jealous? At this age I don't think you can as much especially if you're in a relationship. I've gotten over it, but I sitll can't stop thinking.
I've also noticed today that I've started to care so much about how I look since I started dating my bf. I never use to .. not for a guy anyways. Maybe a little bit, but never this excessive. The way I feel about my looks all started because of this. I realize that when I was getting ready for school today, picking things out to wear, thinking, "Will he like this?" .. knowing full well that I won't be seeing him. Its hard to NOT change yourself for a guy, I must admit. Knowing that his friends will judge you .. and his family. If you don't look good to them, tendency is you won't look good for him either. No matter how much he assures me I look fine .. somehow I still can't help but dash to a nearby mirror to see if I really looked fine. Its amazing how stupid I can get, thinking I can be like other girls who pamper themselves .. and cake their faces with make-up. Maybe now I'm starting to realize that I'm better without all of those things. My mom has always been right. I just never listen.
Make-up enhances the face .. but natural beauty is harder to achieve when you can't see yourself.
Labels: beauty, boys, change, jealousy, pour out
` Hello stranger :] I'm an islander and considered an alien = . = ' Thank you for dropping in ,
and I must say this blog right here lives now for my venting purposes. Feel free to read if you
must , just don't be so harsh on your thoughts about me. – C